andrew stout

Personal Stereos From a Dystopian Future

The assignment I turned in this morning continued a small tradition: my predictions for the coming year in music. This habit began in 2009 and was picked up again last January. My 2011 forecast will publish at SF Weekly in a few weeks. In the meantime, here’s a recap of my 2010 prognosis, which focused on new portable audio formats — and proved fairly inaccurate.

IF THERE’S ONE THING everyone can celebrate about the past decade it’s the iPod. In a moment of Fitzgeraldian whimsy, we’re even tempted to sum up these sleekly-designed years of tinny resonance by calling them the iPod Age. Which is why it pains us to tell you this golden era of portable audio is nearing its end and, in the coming year, personal stereos will take a nightmarish turn. Sure, the sound quality will improve. The treble will shimmer. The bass will rumble. You’ll be able to discretely hear Benny’s foot, keeping time throughout “Knowing Me, Knowing You”. But at what price?

The Mp3-D

Just as the mp3’s popularity begins to wane, Phillips introduces the mp3-d, the digital audio format which adds a holographic image only the listener can see. It’s a boon for major labels. That is, until “3-D R. Kelly” breaks free from the video realm and sublets the duplex next door. Music sales plummet as 3-D R. Kelly’s lack of lawn care skills keeps the nation on edge for days.

Pros: Lightweight; good value; hallucinatory.

Cons: Headphones are of poor quality; “3-D R. Kelly” is a surprisingly quiet and respectful neighbor, which only unnerves you more.

The Genius

This is the smartest personal stereo ever. In fact, The Genius is so clever that when you first see it at Best Buy you feel a little intimidated and decide to pass. So many functions, so few buttons. But within months, The Genius infiltrates your life. First, it gets an entry-level position in your office. Next, it makes fast friends with your foodie spouse by feigning a passion for Mediterranean cuisine. By the time you find yourself up at 4:30 a.m., driving The Genius to the airport, you realize you’ve been duped — because data-entry clerks don’t have summer homes in Corsica (and people fresh out of law school don’t come with touch screens). But the audio quality is so high and the storage space so vast, you decide to let it go.

Pros: An excellent dinner guest.

This Apple product comes in two styles: the first, the iTodd Classic, is a robot that looks just like a dashing, ’70s-era Todd Rundgren and sings from his large repertoire of alternate versions of “Hello It’s Me”. The second model, the iTodd Blotto, does everything the original does. But only as prelude to a sloppy threesome with the actual Todd Rundgren. Plus instant messaging.

The MaxiDisc 

The decades-long trend toward increasingly smaller players is reversed by upstart electronics company Nekonokoi, who introduce the MaxiDisc, a luxurious audio format eight feet in diameter which fits in a twelve foot-tall off-road device the listener rides like a Hummer. 

Pros: Decent hook-per-gallon rate.